Enigma

Subject:	Well they were wrong!!!!
Time:	12:43 pm.

I am pregnant!!! I havenot updated here in a long time. We are all moved in and I am definatly expecting!!

We went to the doctor here on july 14th and they did another test and it was positive. I ovulated alot later than usual. So today I am 20 weeks. Half way through!! I can hardly believe it. I havebeen keeping a pregnancy journal so there is not much to write about here. I just haven't updated in so long.

I cannot believe how much I Love this little person inside of me. This is the most awe inspiring experience anyone can ever go through.

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Subject:	So, it's been a year
Time:	12:01 am.
Mood:	crazy.
Music:	Sex and the City Theme.

It is offically our first anniversary. I can't believe how fast this year went. Things are starting to look good. We are moving in 10 days!! I just can't believe I am finally going back to Kingston!

I am getting a little frustrated. I went to the doctor and they say I am not pregnant. Well duh! I could have told them that. All they did was a pee test. I thought they would do a blood test. All of the home tests have been negative so of course it would be negative... Well af is still not here. This cycle has been 42 days as of today. Grr... I just might go to the womens clinic this week. Maybe they can tell me something.

So, I don't know what else to write...

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Subject:	Bleh
Time:	6:32 pm.
Mood:	frustrated.

I am feeling down today... Work was stupid, but my morning was pretty good. Sex tends to start the day off right. But also it was good because I got to spend time with Alex. So then work made me frustrated but then I got home and I guess I was just mellow. Pretty easy going. I watched TV ate dinner blah blah. Then alex called a little while ago and he wants me to call some lady we need to call tomorrow (He is unable to call anyone... I always have to do it) and just shit with his work... I want to get out of here. I hate that we have to wait until July to leave. Why does it cost so damn much to move... I am getting frustrated with so many things. I amtired of waiting for things. I want things to start moving. I am just getting so frustrated... I want to live in Kingston, I want both of us to have mon to fri 9 to 5 jobs... (like everyoneelse we know) so we can do things with people, and even just ave dinner together on a regular basis. Those are things I want to badly, I don't really think it is too much to ask, and yet these things are sooooo hard to obtain. I am getting fed up with the waiting.

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Subject:	Sad today...
Time:	5:19 pm.
Mood:	pissed off.
Music:	Watching TV.

So two things today... One, I still haven't gotten my period. It's been nearly a month since I went off birth control, so I took another test today. I know the chances that I got pregnant are so slim, but it doesn't hurt any less when I see the negative test. Last night I dreamed we had a baby. So the day didn't start off the best.

I waslooking into how much it will be to rent a truck and it'll be about $520. We can do it. I called to tell my mom and Neil picks up. He then goes into this huge tiraid about how he doesn't think we should move there, anything we could have there we have here. Both our immediate families live here, and there are no jobs there. blahh blah blah. He was so hostile!! He was nearly yelling at me... It just upset me so much. I don't have anything here. Every time I call mom she seem bored that I have called. She is never there when i need her. I don't have any friends here. I have a call center job here and I am almost hired at a call center in Kingston. I just couldn't believe how hostile he got with me, like I wasdoing him a personal wrong.

I am moving to Kingston in June or July and that is all there is to it! He can just go to hell. I am done trying to please them. It is starting to seem like a fight to keep my mother in my life so I am done... I can't believe I am still having these problems with him... Getting away will be good.

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Subject:	why do we do the things we do?
Time:	5:32 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.
Music:	radio.

I have an old e-mail I used to use. There are alot of old e-mails on there and reading through them just makes me so sad. There are e-mails from old friends who don't talk to me anymore. People who used to be in my family. People who used to Love me. I read the words from them and I look at where we are now... Did they know at the time they'd be lying?

I need to get out of London. There are too many memories here. Too many things happened here. I feel like I need to start clean but atthe same time I just can't let go. Most of the time I feel my age, like an independant grown woman. Then on days like these looking into my past I feel like I am 15 again. Sometimes I want to go back... I miss how easy and simple things were then. I didn't feel like I had to work so hard to keep people in my life.

What is the point of getting close to anyone anymore? Can I believe what people tell me now? will they really always be there for me, will they really Love me forever?

I hate days like this... I feel so alone and lost. Being lost in my own thoughts and memories is not a good place to be. How can i be so young and yet feel so much sorrow and regret? Does anyone even care?

Is there a way to start fresh? Am I ready for that?I still have e-mail files and a boxof things from the past. Letters, gifts, memories... I really should just get rid of them, but that thought makes my heart hurt. That part of my life was a big part for me.

I had a dream last night that I went to my stepsisters house. the dream is less and less solid in my mind, but I do remember talking with her and meeting her kids. There was a part whereI saw dad. We talked, but I don't remember the words... all i remember was the hug. God I miss him...

I am so tired of being alone... When will things change? Is there no one who will be with me forever... Alex should be there, but he can't always be here... I hate this whole idea of working for a living... Ispend more time with my co workers than with my husband. Mybest friend and I haven't lived in the same place since I was 15. My mom is pulling away from me and is just in her own life now... I just feel so empty sometimes. Will things actually change if we move to kingston? I'll be closer to family, but will we actually see them?

I feel so alone...

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Subject:	very sad and disappointed
Time:	1:13 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	the tv is on.

So we decided to take a pregnancy test today, and it was negative... I am so upset. I really wanted it to be positive.

I was worried maybe I wasn't actually ready yet, and now I know I am for sure. Alex didn't want us to get pregnant before June, but he was disappointed too. Maybe we can start sooner...

I have had just an awful day and I think I'll just veg today.

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Subject:	Weirdness
Time:	7:03 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	Rhianna - Breakin Dishes.

So I am feeling nostalgic. I used to get into deep deep nostalgia a few years ago. My present was so painful that I lived mostly in the past. I guess it was a way to escape. Since I met Alex things have been looking up, they have been brighter and happier.

I was looking at our wedding photos. Which I haven't done for a while, just after we got married Iwas sad it was over and spent a lot of time looking through them. There are 1389 of them so it took up alot of time lol!! So anyway, I was looking at them and listening to Bruce Springsteen. So I was thinking about our wedding and about Dad. We both Love Springsteen. It has been 6 years, and still it isn't any easier. People said it will get easier with time, but it hasn't. Not for me. On the anniversary... it was a horrible day. Alexwas at work and he came home because I was so upset. I haven't had a break down like that for a while. When I do it is usually because of that same issue. I miss him so much I don't know how it will ever get easier.

I wish Alex could have met him. He was at my wedding, but I wish everyone could have seen him. I felt him, but my emotions were all over the place that day. Mom saw him. She sees alot of them. A little while after the wedding I was looking at the photos and I know he wasn't in the photos, but I was all of a sudden filled with grief andregret that he wasn't in my photos. We didn't have a father daughter dance.

Ok so time for a change of music. I Love Springsteen, but it makes me sad sometimes... I think we should go for a ride tonight.

Maybe next time I post it would be so depressing... lol

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Subject:	Life is moving
Time:	1:35 pm.
Mood:	excited.
Music:	Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road.

Alex and I have decided to have a baby!! We just bought a car and I jokingly said "So this means we can have a baby now" And he looked at me seriously and said "Yes" !!! How crazy is this? It seems like my life is actually starting to move forward!!

I went off my birth control on march 8th. I can't remember if we made Love un protected after that or not, either way I haven't gotten a period yet. With this pill if I missed a day, or took it more that 5 hours late I would get a period. So this is strange! I expected it as soon as I stopped the pill. I know the chances are slim but I hope I am pregnant now. We are going to offically start trying in June, but what is two months really if it happens now? If I do get my period I am going to be very disappointed.

Today March 21st we have been married for 10 months. It doesn't seem that long. Overall I think our marriage is very good. I just wish he could be more romantic sometimes. With out me having to tell him... What girl doesn't want flowers and little surprises, massages and letters for no reason. I don't want a man like in my novels that I so Love. That would be exhausting I think. Plus I would have to be like one of the heroines... lol!!

In other news, sadly Hamlet died. I am going to miss him, but now he is with Gavin, and that makes me happy. Poor guy was rally old. He was nearly 2 years old. We might get two other dwarf hamsters but I am not sure yet. And maybe just one, I don't know.

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Time:	12:11 pm.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	construction noises....

So I don't really know... Alex is worrying me lately. He doesn't seem as affectionate, and definetly there is a lack of intimacy. I don't know what is going on and he won't talk about it. Says he doesn't know. I am just worried. We just got married, where is all the newlywed sex? Where is the can't take our eyes or hands off each other. Does he think about me when I am not with him? Does he think about me when I am with him.

We both have February 13th off. We are going to the Science Centre in Toronto. What can I do? We have been married nearly 8 months. How can I be having these problems already? I thought these were problems the stereotypical married couple has after like 40 years together. If he doesn't think about me, or doesn't want to be affectionate with me, did I make a mistake?? What is my marriage is doomed to fail??? I am scared...

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Subject:	In my room
Time:	10:49 am.
Mood:	loved.
Music:	Breakin Dishes-Rihanna.

Well not really. lol We have two bedrooms and this one is basicall mine. I put have furniture and books and arecord player in here. This is where I just hang out and do what I want. Study/library/art room I like it in here. I need to get more pictures printed so I can do more scrap booking. I also need to finish my painting maybe the next day I am off.

Work scheduled me for 6 days in a row so I am going to call in sick tomorrow or sunday. Sunday is better since then I'll only have 2 days till I am off again but I really wanna do it tomorrow! working for a living sucks... They called again to see if I could start early today, umm... NO FUCKING WAY!!!! They won't let me take my name off the list either the bastards

I have always been a believer in True Love and Soul Mates. And my thoughts are warring over the past. On one hand I am very glad for the past Love and would never trade it for anything on the other hand I Love Alex, and I want him to be my only Love. So was the past one true Love or is Alex? I will never really stop Loving my past Love, a very small part of me always will, but maybe he was just meant to be there during that time in my life. I Love Alex so much. Maybe I don't have a soulmate, but I can't deny how he makes me feel. He makes me feel like all those cheesy cliches are actually profound wisdom, like I can stop searching now, I have found my place. The only thing with Alex... I want to get married all over again!!! It's so sad it's over.

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Subject:	boredness
Time:	1:28 pm.
Mood:	thoughtful.
Music:	the music in mu head.

I am very bored today... I watched the end of the tudors. It was so good. But it made me wonder, ow did things really happen? We have a timeline to go off of, but any dialogue or emotions are all up to the writer of the show/movie/book. Did Thomas Boleyn really care nothing for his two children who were exicuted? What about the King himself? Did he care nothing for his two daughters? It just makes me wonder, we will never really know very much about how people lived and acted in those times. And yet I yearn to know.

I almost wish I could remember when I lived during those times. There is so much that I Love about it, andstill some things I do not like. If life at court was anything like what is depicted in modern media, I would much rather spend my lifeout in the country.

Did people really Love? Or were most marriages matches of state, land, money. Even the serfs, Mary's father can give me 4 cows, where as Elenors father can only give me 2 to marry his daughter to my son. (not that I think it happened that was, cows were worth alot, and serfs didn't have them, but you get my meaning)

It is sad to think of people who cannot Love or be with the ones they Love. Did anyone raise their own child? Or were they all sent elsewhere?

So many questions will they ever be answered? I wish there was a diary of someone in that time so I could know the answers. We have so much documented in this time that no one in the future will have questions about how we lived. Only question will be what will they think of us? Imagine if the world did not get dumber as it seems it will, but smarter nore intelligent. Imagine if they found old tapes of television shows and found a way to play them. Things like FUBAR, Jackass, andthose reall stupid shows on those "stations for men" that all seem to have the word extreme in the title. What will the future generations think?

It would be good if some people stayed sane and level headed in this world. Document how life really is with them. Not all of our world is lazy, over weight, selfish or immature are they? I really hope not.

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Time:	9:01 am.
Mood:	sleepy.

I haven't updated in a very long time. I got up with Alex today but it was very hard to wake up. And even now I just want to crawl back into bed. I haven't been waking up like I normally do during the night and in the morning everything feels so heavy. I wonder what is going on.

I have to go to work early today. I missed hours so I have to go in and make up for them. Pretty dumb in my opinion, but what can I do right? I sould enjoy this week as it is the last one to sit around and not really work. Just listen to calls and do tests.

We went to a christmas party with my mom and Neil for her work. It was alot of fun! I bought a new red dress and mom wore the dress she wore to my wedding. I wish I could have worn my dress it would have been awesome to wear it again. Maybe I should have a wear it again party eh? But that kind of thing is better in any season but winter, and I don't plan on being here by then.

I can't wait to move. Just get away from here.

enough rambling eh? lol

OH I got a new phone! I Love it but I am still mad... >| I bought Alex a Zunefor his birthday, but it didn't charge so we took it back then he went and bought me the phone... Well when I get paid in a few weeks I'll buy him another one. Makes me sad and happy at the same time. Very werid.

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Time:

10:37 pm.

Well to start I'll tell you the situation. Since birth I have had problems with mobility. It was fine when I was younger up until about 17-18. Things were difficult but do-able. I found it difficult to climb stairs, and running, and everything to do with gym class. I was teased of course, but thinking back I still had pretty normal childhood, and teen years. It all started getting worse when I started to gain weight. Over the past, almost 6 years, I have gone from 80 pounds when I was 15, to 170. So about 2 years ago I asked my doctor about my problems. She said "those are vague(sp?) symptoms" And went about whatever she was writing down. I found another doctor, and he sent me to a muscle specialist. They zapped me to test my nerves. Then the poked me with needles to test my muscles, and took blood for testing. I need to do a muscle biopsy, and it is being sent to the US to a genetic testing facility. At the appointment I was told it looked like a hereditary muscle disease. Those ones have no cure or treatment. The appointment was on monday the 16th. Then on friday the 20, I got a letter in the mail from the doctor. It was the form we have to send to the gov't, so they will pay for the testing outside of canada. She needs me to sign and date it. On it, it states what is wrong with me. I have slowly progressive congenital muscular dystrophy and joint hyperlaxiy with a clinical (this is where her writing gets hard to read) something (looks like sx) of (looks like) bethlem disease. But even if I don't know the second part the first is bad enough. It was what we were fearing. I'm very scared. I don't knowwhat else to say... by the way sorry for any typo's and/or spelling mistakes...

There are people I wantto tell but I have no way of contacting them I don't even know why I want to tell them...They prolly won't care anyway.

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Subject:	So...
Time:	3:05 pm.
Mood:	lonely.
Music:	stupid radio.

I'm at home. Alone, which really sucks. Alot has changed since I've posted last. Well excluding the stupid last post before this one. I am living out on my own wiht Alex and a roommate. I really regret that. I am basically a mother to a 21 year old boy... I just quit my job last friday. My last day will be sept 8. I have put in my resume and app at Adecco, hopefully something comes from that. If not... I dunno Tim Hortons? I really don't wanna work there. I am engaged to be married... At Fort Henry!

I was just reading today, and then I started thinking. Bad thing to do... I miss my old life. My teens, I'm only 20, but I want the simplicity of my teens back. I am nothing like that person anymore. I stopped caring... due in part to my job... I stopped being creative... My life is now work, sleep, clean up, pay bills, eat(if I remember) I'm really tired of it. I want to be in school again, come home, do homeowrk, assignments. Write my poetry, draw in my barely used sketch book, paint, listen to music I Love! All of that is gone, even my music. My fave radio station... I can barely stand it anymore, everything sounds the same to me. No break in the monotony. How can I fix my life? I'm getting married! I should be estatic! I am happy about it. I Love Alex, I am very happy with him. I am not happy with our living arrangments. And... I don't know why, but I keep thinking about someone else. I do not want to go back to him. But reading some of our past.... maybe I miss a relationship like that. Alex... How do I explain it? He seems... alot more distant that the other one. I don't get little Love notes. He spends ALOT if time on the computer. Lately when he comes home I have to remind him to kiss me.

I should be planning my wedding and being happy with the exception of the roommate... I want to be happy again, get my creativity back again. I want simplicity, Love, happiness, creativity, drive, passion, friendship, fun. I feel so dead. So empty. My life is slipping away and I cannot seem to stop it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost myself and I cannot find her again. I want to be first so someone again, I do not want to be second anymore.

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Subject:	I am such an idiot!
Time:	9:07 am.
Mood:	guilty.

Oh my god! I was looking through old e-mails and decided to e-mail someone whom I havent' seen in nearly two years. But then I remembered he never used to use his e-mail. So not even thinking it is only nine in the morning, which to me is not early at all... I called. I woke up his mom and when she heard who it was calling she got all huffy, saying why would you call at nine in the morning on a sunday. I really didn't think it was that early. I didn't think there would be a problem... She just called back. No politeness or anything and said "Did you just call back?" I said no then she said "Did you text message?" I said no then she hung up... Like what the hell was that? Why would I call back? He prolly won't even get the message, she prolly won't even tell him I called. I don't really blame her if she hates me so much. I don't know why she would tho. Unless she never liked me back then, which is possible I guess... wow, she hid it well. I never did anything to her son... I don't get it... I feel so stupid, why did I even try anything? Maybe I'm just sick of being friendless... I dunno... I think I'll stop writing now...

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Time:	2:23 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.
Music:	NIN.

So, I am at Fanshawe college today... just sitting here with Alex... Meh... at least there are computers.... Wow, I never use lj anymore, I kinda miss it... I'm listening to the history of the new rock. it's about NIN and the man who is Nine Inch Nails... Trent Reznor! haha, I saw them in concert when they were here awesome show!

So Alex and I are now moving on easter weekend... thats like in a week and nothing is packed... I work to fucking much to do it! My boss never askes me to work she says "I need to..." and thats it, no room for no... hrm... at leats I'm getting paid for it right? Meh...

So... work is going to be shut down soon anyway... so I need a new job...

So I've been getting fake nails lately, it looks really cool. I like them, and they aren't too expensive.

My jaw hurts... and no it'sd not from giving too many blow jobs like everyone keeps giggling about... it's very annoying... it hurts to even talk, and I wish it would stop...

So... today sucks... it's all rainy and shit... I feel like crap... no reason but I do, and yea... my damn cold is still not gone but is instead coming again for a second round at me! grr.... and I can't take any time off work because there is no one to cover shifts for me... Of course I can cover shifts for evryone else but no one can for me but meh...

anyway, enought bitching I guess... I want to go to taste of chaos. Alex and I can go for 30 bucks! kinda good deal huh? Yea I'm and FM96 freeloader, so I got them for 9.60 each, plus all those fees and whatnot, so tis cool! Anyway I think i'm done...

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Time:	1:36 am.
Mood:	crazy.
Music:	none, silence....

So, an update. I am engaged! I am so happy about it! And we are moving in together may first! We are all approved, and we are getting a couch and my mom bought a whole shit load of stuff for us! she wrapped it all and it's in a big laundry basket! haha I Love my mom!!!!

So how did he do it??? Well it was midnight on st patty's day, so the very beginning of that day, and we went upstairs to go to bed. Well he always gets upstairs so much faster than me, so I get up there and open the bedroom door and he's just standing there. So he gives me a hug and when he pulled away he went down on one knee and said "Will you......Marry me?" AAAHHH haha I started bawling and smiling at the same time!!! SO WEIRD FEELING!! Seriously you do not even know how weird that feels to your face!, so I nodded, and then he said well? so I actually said yes! Wow!!! So mymom is so cute, she is buying me bridal mags and a wedding organizer book, and she bought a whole buncha stuff for our new apartment!

I can't believe how my life is turning around! I'm getting my own place, I'm getting married! My mom and I are getting closer, which is weird cuz I'm never home! haha We found a place downtown that sold furniture and we got a couch loveseat and chair all for 500 bucks!!! I'm going on friday to pay some of it. wow... things are starting to look up!

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